Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare. — Audre Lorde 

Sherry

As part of my compensation package at Food Recovery Network, the Board of Directors said FRN would pay for an executive coach. As the only executive level leader at the young organization, having someone that I could ideate, strategize and figure things out with, would be important. A member of my Advisory Board offered the name of his Executive Coach, Sherry. When Sherry and I spoke for the first time, I hired her on the spot. I knew. She knew. We would go on to work together for the next 7 and a half years.

And because of her ability to draw out of me and enhance my skills, my tenacity, to pull down my vision for Food Recovery Network and generate action, to support my instincts and challenge me when needed, I have been able to produce a very long list of incredible accomplishments across those 7 and a half years. I am forever grateful to Sherry and thankful to have her in my life. Sherry is no longer my executive coach, she has since retired. And forever Sherry is part of my family.

Ancestral Wisdom, Ancestral Strength

I mentioned in Stars → Inheritance Rodney King invoked his ancestors as a way to protect himself spiritually and physically when he was being beaten by LAPD cops because he thought he was going to die. If his ancestors could survive unknown horrors, so could he, in the moment of that beating. At some point, the beating would stop. He drew from their ancestral strength to endure, to survive. And, from that moment on, I knew that I, too, could tap into an ancestral strength, and that I probably had been, tapping into that wisdom for moments in my life that were troubling without knowing where my ability to endure and keep going came from. Moments like that in my life were solidifying to me. An uncovered known becoming uncovered. Forevermore, I can access my ancestral wisdom and strength clearly, intentionally and purposefully.

That’s what ancestral wisdom can do to shape us during our journey. And, if we’re lucky, there are many other moments that shape us for the better. I also experienced a healing and positive life altering epiphany thanks to the wisdom of Sherry.

Girl What? A Realization

Across 7 and a half years, Sherry and I dutifully had one hour phone calls once a week for most weeks for the first several years we worked together. Eventually, the calls reduced to two times a month once Food Recovery Network matured and stabilized. I talked with Sherry on the phone more than most people in my life. The only person I talked to more than Sherry was my sister.

When we talked, Sherry often started our meetings with the question, “How are you doing?” and on this particularly life changing day, I said, “oh, I’m good!” I was very chipper. And in the same chipper voice, I went on to rattle off about 5 things that were very not good. Things that I was trying to figure out at FRN, and some things in my personal life that were strained. Sherry listened to me quietly and when I was finished said, “Kiddo, you don’t sound good at all!” And I was so taken aback. I stopped for a moment. I was actually shocked by the disconnect of what I was saying and Sherry’s response to it.

After a moment, I admitted, yeah, things were not great. And I kinda laughed to myself. Things were not great!

Importantly, I didn’t try to argue that sure, things were not great, but they weren’t awful. I didn’t try to make excuses that things were not great, but they could be a lot worse, so this must be okay enough. And after years of reflection, I can now see the same rationale with living in poverty. Things were bad, but I knew things could be a whole hell of a lot worse, so be grateful for the bad you have and grateful you don’t have that other kind of bad, because that is really bad.

It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay when things are shitty…for real

That meeting, Sherry helped me to just name a bad situation, full stop, without excuses. I never, ever considered that before. I was allowed to have moments that felt bad, or overwhelming, or were just shitty. I didn’t have to have a positive spin on the difficulty. I know that I was putting that positive spin on the difficulty because that is how I kept things together. Things had to be okay. I was in a pattern of defining difficulty as “okay”, even if I knew they were anything but. I knew at some point, the bad got taken care of and so what’s the point of saying things were bad when…it would clear up.

I hadn’t realized it, but I was afraid. I was afraid naming something accurately as it was, as bad or difficult or shitty might put a protective barrier around that difficulty, and with a protective barrier around it, that could mean I might not have the skillset to make it okay, let alone the resilience or fortitude to move from bad to better, to resolved. Better to just say it’s okay, it’s fine.

I talked with Sherry, caught in the act, about putting a positive spin on what was happening in that moment in my life. The conversation allowed me to put down my toxic positivity I didn’t even really know I was carrying. I could name a situation for what it was, and that didn’t mean my whole world was going to come crashing down on me. It didn’t mean the presence of a difficult situation, unless viewed as “oh, it’s fine!”, would immediately mean something terrible was going to happen that I wouldn’t be able to navigate into a good situation. I had to trust myself that I was in a safe place. And, by habitually falsifying the situation, I was actually causing myself more work by having to dig around the toxic positivity to get into the heart of the situation I needed to address. Naming things as they were accurately, helped me move further out of survival mode and into living mode. Bad things happen and I could say that and be okay, and I certainly did have the fortitude and mental outlook to weather through bad.

More and more, I was building spiritual safety. And by letting go of the toxic positivity, I was in fact, abling myself to acknowledge the safety I was capable of building, and to trust it.  And in that safety, I could grow my power by letting go of habits that were hindering me; that were slowing down my journey to get to a place in that journey that was further forward, that was more healed and authentic.

I’m grateful to Sherry. I wish everyone had someone like Sherry in their lives.